The Time I Considered Walking Away From God By: Tonya Callender
For those of you who have been avid readers of my blog, you may recall me speaking at various times of how I have had to navigate through one of the hardest seasons of my life. As I have addressed growth, development, spiritual maturity, self-care, self-awareness, and other aspects alike, it has been my “hard season” that I used as a reference and foundation to encourage, inspire and to simply be real about life. Having said that, today’s post fits right on in there as well. This is a post I have been sitting on for a while. It’s one that I wasn’t sure if I should share due to the content area. I mean who admittedly gets mad at God and considers walking away from Him? Not many will confess to such, but I am here to be completely transparent because life gets rough and I cannot pretend that it doesn’t.
When you endure a long-standing season where you are seemingly put in a holding pattern by God, I am literally speaking no movement in any area of life, it can feel like torture. This torture felt ongoing and all I knew was that I needed God to take action. In the midst of doors closing, new ones not opening, and stagnation occurring on levels I had never seen before, God was impressing it upon me to love a very unlovable loved one. At this juncture, it was almost as if I had no reprieve; life was being piled on me. I am not sure how many of you have had to love the unlovable, but hands down it is legitimately one of the hardest things to do, especially when you feel like that person doesn’t deserve it.
In that particular chapter of my season, I was called to operate in the supernatural because what God was requiring of me was simply unnatural. With the help of the Holy Spirit I was being obedient by extending grace, love, kindness, patience, and limitless forgiveness; however, it was getting to a point where I was growing tired of doing so. I felt like it was unfair that I was being held at a higher standard and had to love those who continuously wronged me. I understand that probably sounds harsh, but it is my truth and in those instances, I told God “I can’t be like You” and in turn, He always told me “Yes, you can, just love them as I love you.” Tears would stream from my face and I even fight tears back while sharing this. It was something extremely hard to do, but I knew I had to. It was bigger than me.
While having to exercise this level of obedience, I grew tired of it all. I didn’t think it was fair the things I was having to experience and though I knew it was all for my good, I was over it! I reached a point where I was fed up with having the understanding that God was permitting trials to reveal the strength and depth of my faith; to develop my perseverance and build my character. Most importantly, to have a testimony that He would one day have me share, but again I didn’t care to consider this any further. I made up in mind that I no longer wanted to do things God’s way and that it was impossible to keep following Him. It was becoming too hard at the hardest time of my life. The Bible does not sugarcoat it, God clearly stated that anyone that wanted to be a follower of Christ was required to give up their own way, take up their cross daily and follow Him (Luke 9:23). That scripture speaks for itself and is not to be taken lightly, which was all the reason why I decided that I was done; I couldn’t see beyond my circumstance any longer.
BUT God! As I had my moment and fussed with Him, just like a loving Father, God listened. He let me throw my tantrum, cry my tears and be angry, but once I was done, He stepped in. God reminded me that I was not doing this alone and though He may have seemed absent at times, He was still very present. I knew this to be true because if God hadn’t been with me, I wouldn’t be here as I am. In spite of my frustration, anxiety, and hopelessness (to name a few), God promised me that on the other side of this ginormous mountain I am facing, I would be more than a conqueror and there would be nothing I couldn’t face with Him by my side.
Perseverance is finishing the work that was initially started so I can be complete and lacking nothing. God is faithful and I knew I could not give the enemy that foothold. Let’s remember, the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy and I was not willing to give him that satisfaction. To date, I am confident that the enemy is infuriated that I won’t give up or give in and that will remain no matter how much further I have to go in this season. I cannot do life without God and I surely can’t continue in this season separate from Him. Some days are hard, but His strength is supernatural to the point where sometimes I am left in awe of how I am able to keep going.
I have shared all of this to let you know that if you have ever felt this way before, you are not alone. Maybe you haven’t reached a “breaking point,” but regardless of where you are in your season of trials and tribulations, I want to encourage each one of you to hold on and trust God. It gets hard and I OVERstand that, but I truly believe it will all be worth it in the end. God has something so amazing in store and it will exceed every expectation you have ever had. Keep pressing sis, God’s got you!